Weakness

Nobody wants to talk about it but everyone has at least one thing that brings them to their knees, breathless and defenseless... and scared.

Weaknesses bring a certain consciousness to ourselves when we desperately want to be blind to the fact that we are human. We want to stay ignorant and believe that we have all the answers, that we are self-sufficient, that we are able and capable. But once fear encounters and embraces our hearts, we remember that those lies we warm ourselves with are empty and we're consumed with the desire to run, to run until we can forget we have a crippling kryptonite.

It's a cycle that never stops.

My weakness is not knowing. I think it is the most infuriating thing in the world. If any situation involves me then I have to know. I have to know the who, what, when, where, why and how to anything that concerns me. Like how can anyone refuse to tell me any information dealing with me? Like where they do that at?!

It makes no sense to me as to why I cannot know, assess and figure out how I can control it. See where I am going with this...

I have to know in order to control the situation. If I can't know, then I can't control and if I can't control, then I'm at the mercy of someone else.

And I don't trust anybody. Yes, there are people in my lives that I can trust but even they can attest to the fact that I will nag, trying desperately to get some information out of them. And for those who are less lenient, they know I worry even when I'm quiet.

Hi, I am a worrier and it stops me from doing anything.

Get inside my head, and the words crowding my mind are I don't know. And that's terrifying.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know what to do.

I simply do not know. 

I'm surrounded by doubts and insecurities and I am trying to come up with answers but I come up with nothing. My hands are empty and my heart filled with dread cause anything can happen. Anything. Do you know how many stuff that is? That's an infinite amount of any things that can happen to me.

Yea you can narrow down the spectrum of possibilities by the likelihood, location, timing and other stuff but that doesn't make me feel any better. I want to know with a unshakable certainty what's going to happen next. But that's impossible. I can't know. 

I have to trust God that He has everything under control. And in order to do that I have to let go of the perception that I have everything in control cause I truly don't. He only has the reins and He knows what He is doing. He has the earth and the universe as proof. 

I need to have faith and believe that everything, all good and all bad things, let me reiterate that in all caps, ALL THINGS BOTH GOOD AND BAD happen for my good and His glory. I just need to rest in that fact and understand He only has my best at heart. Only my best because He loves me with an unrelenting faithful love that will never be matched here on Earth. Never. 

He redeemed me before I became a thought in my parents' minds. He sacrificed His one and only son knowing full well that I will fail Him countless times. He gave me everything knowing that even if I spent the rest of my life dedicated to Him I will never repay Him in full. Never.

He is on my side, always.

That is all I know for certain and that is enough. But I have to start living as if I believe it. 

I think I found my New Year's Resolution.