The X Chronicles: The Curse

I'm so-
No, you're right; it is your fault,
Just let me talk.
I apologize for wasting yo-
Can you please let me finish?
Now, where was I?
It sucks to say that
You are not enough, my dear
True, not long ago
I took what I could get
Afterthoughts and regrets
I received what you gave
Cause pieces of you
Fooled me into thinking
I was full and content
But the empty kisses
And the pity glances
Hollow out my barren heart
You aren't here with me anymore
Cause, let's be honest
You're with her
Yea, you thought I didn't know
You keep forgetting
Mama didn't raise no blind girl
You must be crazy to think I can't see
I'm never gonna fit into her measurements
I will always fail your fantasy
I'm not meant to take her place
Because, you idiot,
She is not me
So please, leave
Don't let our memories hold you back
I wouldn't want us to be the reason
You never attained perfection
But before you go, you must keep in mind
When she mounts you like the ass you are
When she showers you with kisses
When she brings you so close
That you can't help but come
Inside that tiny space
She'll coddle you in
Leaving you satisfied
As if you've reached the climax
My face will then haunt you
My touch will then invade you
My love will then drown you
Cause when I said forever
It wasn't meant to be taken lightly
That was my guarantee
Now, bye
And please, let the door hit you on the way out.

When I Grow Up

While staring at this gorgeous picture of Beyonce, I had an epiphany:

It's like putting on my mommy's shoes
Trying to be anyone I choose.
But realizing no one else's skin felt as right
As the one my Father placed me in.
I want to be my own kind of beautiful.
Not his or hers.
I want to be mine.

This thought hasn't crossed my mind before because who I thought I would end up being was a composite of desirable traits from other women. Like having her flawless skin, her hourglass shape, her smile, her butt, her legs. Her determination, her intelligence, her boldness, her wit. The end product would have no remnants of myself.

Instead of building on the blueprint God gave me, I wanted to ditch His plans in order to become a copy. It was never about being the best of me.

There was always something wrong; there was always something to improve. Every time I looked in the mirror, I would always find an excuse, "Oh that's nice, but..."

And commercials and the women around me did not help. The TV blatantly told me my measurements were all wrong. The women in my life told me, consciously or not, what I should change.

When I closed my eyes and pictured my future self, she would be nothing like this; not like me.

Fortunately, I'm starting to appreciate what I got and who I am.

It's a small step; a baby step forward. It sometimes hits me like "Whoa! Who's that pretty girl?" Then I smile cause it's me and next, I realize:

I have a pretty smile and a great butt (you should see my smile when I see it). My legs are awesome and I got a little coca-cola bottle shape going on. And my skin, although not perfect, has a nice tone to it. I am a fighter (to a fault cause my guy friends have no sense of mercy), a homebody, gullible, very silly, full of humor and loving.

The array of qualities within me makes me unique and special. No one can say they are exactly like me.

I wish I can say that I have come to the point where I can look at another woman and not list all her perfections while putting myself down. But I can't lie, I still do that. However, when I envision the woman I will become, everything will be all me. Not anyone else.

When I grow up, I will be older and wiser but you'll know by my big playful eyes that I am still me.

A Rarity

It's the rare moments
Fragmented and infrequent
Where lucidity flows in
Perspectives merge
And finally connect
And I see clearly now
Judgment no longer
Clouded, shrouded by outside noises
Biases cease
Other opinions are forever
Irrelevant, void
Because He wins
And he loses
I triumph and the world,
The world cannot say a damn thing
To bring me down.
I then realize
Impossibility is a limit that does not exist,
It does not have to.
Like the limit of 1/x if x=0,
It is not a viable choice.
I used to be a whiz at this
But now, I'm not sure if it's even correct
If it even makes any sense
So excuse me if I am wrong
All I know is...
Not much, maybe.
Except this, definitely
A box, or as a matter of fact
Anything meant to hold things,
Cannot contain my massive entity.
Actually, it will self-destruct
If it even thought
About holding me back.
The stars cannot compare to my beauty
Galaxies cannot begin to surpass my potential.
No, I may be small and weak at times
But do not be a fool
I am indestructible, unconquerable.
This universe is my playing field,
Although I am grounded
Here on Earth.
Possible, attainable, infinite
Are my birthright because
In these rare moments
During the quiet bliss
Where His will flows through me
And His strength makes my heart beat,
By Him and only through Him
I realize how blessed I truly am
And I cannot, for the life of me,
Continue in believing otherwise.
It will be a disservice
An injustice, a loss.
The alternative is a crime.
Living under the shackles
Of the thought
That I am not enough
I am not worthy.
No, I live for these moments
Where I am reminded of who I really am
And what I can achieve
With Him.

Prince Charming

I have been waiting for far too long
For my damn prince to come
My heart goes a flutter
For the slightest glint
Near the border
Only to find out
It's just another mother-f'er
Dressed up in some cheap ass foil
Trying to waste my life, my time
Then there's the occasional frog
Who, I thought
With my invested time,
Could be transformed to be mine
But I have been taught yet again
That if it talks like a duck
Walks like a duck
And looks like a duck
The frog will remain a dog
Until its last croak
Now the fairy tales taught me
That in the midst of my misery
My prince will come
And take me off on his grand steed
Into the sunset
For my well-earned happily ever after
And yet where is he?
As a matter of fact
Why do I have to wait?
As the damsel in distress
While he's out there
Doing God knows what
Probably sowing his seed
Why is my life in pause
When life waits for no one
Especially for the girl pining for a love story
That may never become real

Risk It And Be A Fool!

"You want to take the easy way out because you're scared and you're scared because if you try yourself, there's only you to blame... Life is scary, get used to it... There are no magical fixes, it's all up to you. So get off your butt, get out there and do the work... Nothing in this world worth having is easy."
Dr. Kelso 
Scrubs is one of my top favorite shows to watch. If it makes me laugh and teaches me something at the same time, then I am hooked.

And I learn at least one new thing each time I tune into an episode. I highly recommend you to watch this series. Forget about the last season, forget about it! Trust me, if there's one thing that you will begrudgingly learn about me is that I am usually right and I will hold it over you if you don't listen to me. I'm really good at saying "I told you so." So watch through season 8 and you will highly be satisfied.
Well anyway I digressed. Let's get back to the point.

Point!: Well the other day, I had lunch with a very good friend of mine, O, and we were talking about romantic grand gestures, where a person lies everything on the line to reveal their feelings to someone. Then he looks over to me and says, "You're going to do that one day."

I scoffed at him and said, "Hell no." Why would I put myself out there to be possibly rejected by a guy I really like? I would rather (and I have) buried my feelings deep within me, stifling the slightest flutter from a butterfly's wing whenever I see my crush come by. I can't do that, tell him how I feel. Despite my sunny disposition, I am really a very pessimistic, negative person. It would never work out for me. He'll firmly and kindly turn me down and leave me to crawl under the nearest rock to die of humiliation.

I should look on the bright side and say that it's good that I won't be kept wondering about the what ifs, I won't have any regrets and that just crosses off one more name, narrowing down the list, bringing me one step closer to my man, the love of my life, my best friend. But you know what, sometimes the light doesn't reach me in my very dark hole.

Besides... Romantic grand gestures, or as a matter of fact, any relationship takes something out of you. You invest yourself hoping that, with the best of you and the best of the other person and everything that is good in the world, you can have a partner for life, someone to hold you and love you for the rest of your life.
But life happens and shows you that simple fairy-tales can't work in this very ugly world.

I realize that I can't keep giving up a part of me that isn't a guarantee. I can't keep losing myself.
However, how can I live?
It's such a Catch-22 (awesome book, by the way). Life is such a predicament. It's very tricky like that because the way it's designed, you can only live if you lose yourself, if you only terrify yourself, if you only take the risk (Luke 9:24).

I know I keep bringing up this subject but bear with me until I actually live by my own words. Believe me, the same lessons, the same problems keep coming up because you haven't learned from them yet. Do something different and watch, you'll make progress in your life.

And this post doesn't have to pertain to your love life. Apply it to your life in general. You can never know how great you can be if you aren't willing to fall flat on your face sometimes.

I know you don't want to be mediocre. God didn't create you for that. Remember, you are His masterpiece!!!! But it isn't going to come easy. It's going to be hard because people are going to try to limit you, and they will succeed only if you allow them to do so. Don't let them. This is your life! You don't need any limits. You can achieve your dreams. Doors will shut in your face, but it is never the end because God can open another door, a window. If He wanted to, He can build you another door to a better house. He'll make it happen for you if it is what He plans (Jeremiah 29:11, my favorite verse).

Sometimes a genius is mistaken as a fool i.e. Einstein. So yes, I'm gonna go after mine even if it makes me look like a fool, even if others don't think I deserve it or qualify for it. Cause in the end, I only have me and I would like to be doing what I love. And hopefully, be with the person I love best...

I Get Sad Sometimes

I do a weird thing. (Well, I actually do many weird things, but lets focus on one thing at a time.)

I get inexplicably sad. I just go about my day and all of a sudden I get depressed. There is a yearning in my soul and a burden on my heart. Like seriously, my heart gets this heavy feeling (I am not kidding, it does gain a few pounds in my chest... okay, not pounds per se, but definitely some ounces) and my mood goes south.

And now that I am thinking about it, there is usually a trigger but it is never that important to go through the ringer.

For example...

I'm alone in my bed and I get lonely, longing for a cuddle buddy (thank God, I don't have any guy friends that would gladly blur the boundaries to warm me up in all sense of the word). Or I'm alone in the car and I just have to talk to somebody, anybody, so I go through my list of close friends to find someone to spare just a few minutes with me on the phone. Or I write a piece and I don't like it until someone else tells me what they think of it. But most likely, I get sad and I have no reason to feel that way at all.

I hate that feeling because why should I be so sad? Why do I feel as if I am missing something in my life?
It just gets me questioning myself and it's a down-whirl spiral.

I'm usually self-sufficient. I can do a lot of things for myself, except exterminating the creepy crawlers. But when I get in this funk, I desperately need a person to notice me. Not in the Hollywood kind of way, with all the glitz and glam, I'm too shy for that.

No... I want someone to notice me from the busyness of the world. To recognize me, to see me and say,
Hey, you're on the right track. Keep up the good work.
That's what I want. And not because they think they need to say that or that they pity my futile efforts at life but because they genuinely believe that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. That I am who I am supposed to be.

Recognition is the secret desire of my heart. Validation is the yearning of my soul.

If you wanted to know what I really want for Christmas, then there it is: Recognition and Validation (books are also appreciated).

I know it sounds simple and kind of juvenile but it is what it is. I want what I want.
I do want other things but those things pale in comparison if I don't feel that I matter, that I am of value. I wouldn't enjoy them as much because I'll feel as if I don't deserve them.

And unfortunately, I try to seek value from other people. I expect them to recognize what type of priceless gem I am and constantly tell me until I get an even bigger head =). Until I actually believe it.

But people are fickle.They can like you for one minute and the next despise you. It all depends on what you can do for them in that moment, and sadly you can't always think about them because you are selfish too. You have to be because who else is looking out for you and your best interest?

So yea, I'm kinda stuck, huh? It seems that I won't get what I need.

But... I thank God, it doesn't have to work out that way for me or you.
I don't need neither validation nor recognition from something so circumstantial because as the season changes, so would my mood. I would probably be bi-polar if I depended on those that are fleeting.

No, I need something eternal, something constant, something that is independent of me, so it will never matter if my hair is straight, my face is clear, or my teeth are crooked. No, I don't need something that needs me to be perfect in order to accept me, in order to love me because even on my good days I am far from perfect.

So whenever I do get inexplicably sad I like to think that it's a reminder to spend some time with the One who has always loved me because only after I listen to Praise/Worship music and read the bible do I feel better.
And who wouldn't after reading something like this?

He' always going to love me. And yes, I have friends and family who will too but I can't always get to them when I get down. But God, He's always there to remind me that I matter, that I am of value...
And that means the world to me.


I don't think it's fair.
A tear escapes as I think of how much I need you
It really isn't right
Brushing my cheek, you smile
You know and yet you're still here
My damned kryptonite
My cheap cocaine
So easy, to get high
Off you and your smell
Dopamine levels increase
From your burning touch
And your kisses
Tantalizing, intoxicating  
Never could get enough
No- need more and more
Why isn't there a threshold
This is- you are exponential
Crashing into you, I lose my breath
Air filling lungs a luxury
But dying to be near you, to have you
Is destiny
To be brought to this brink
Again and again and again
By you and only you
Please, be my story
The beginning, the middle and yes-
If there must be an end
Let the words cease by your hand
Your command, your lips
That tease me many a moons
Don't ever leave
Promise, swear that it will only be me
You rise and rest with
It really isn't fair
I love you
I don't think that's right
I am in love with you
Enamored, captivated, fascinated, mesmerized
You smile and I remember
And thank the heavens that you want me too