When I Grow Up

While staring at this gorgeous picture of Beyonce, I had an epiphany:

It's like putting on my mommy's shoes
Trying to be anyone I choose.
But realizing no one else's skin felt as right
As the one my Father placed me in.
I want to be my own kind of beautiful.
Not his or hers.
I want to be mine.

This thought hasn't crossed my mind before because who I thought I would end up being was a composite of desirable traits from other women. Like having her flawless skin, her hourglass shape, her smile, her butt, her legs. Her determination, her intelligence, her boldness, her wit. The end product would have no remnants of myself.

Instead of building on the blueprint God gave me, I wanted to ditch His plans in order to become a copy. It was never about being the best of me.

There was always something wrong; there was always something to improve. Every time I looked in the mirror, I would always find an excuse, "Oh that's nice, but..."

And commercials and the women around me did not help. The TV blatantly told me my measurements were all wrong. The women in my life told me, consciously or not, what I should change.

When I closed my eyes and pictured my future self, she would be nothing like this; not like me.

Fortunately, I'm starting to appreciate what I got and who I am.

It's a small step; a baby step forward. It sometimes hits me like "Whoa! Who's that pretty girl?" Then I smile cause it's me and next, I realize:

I have a pretty smile and a great butt (you should see my smile when I see it). My legs are awesome and I got a little coca-cola bottle shape going on. And my skin, although not perfect, has a nice tone to it. I am a fighter (to a fault cause my guy friends have no sense of mercy), a homebody, gullible, very silly, full of humor and loving.

The array of qualities within me makes me unique and special. No one can say they are exactly like me.

I wish I can say that I have come to the point where I can look at another woman and not list all her perfections while putting myself down. But I can't lie, I still do that. However, when I envision the woman I will become, everything will be all me. Not anyone else.

When I grow up, I will be older and wiser but you'll know by my big playful eyes that I am still me.

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