When You Just Don't Feel Called

My friend, E, teased her about taking her sweet time and how her future husband would need lots of patience. And she responded, "Of course he will have lots of patience because he is catered to be with me."

Then she turned to me and said that my future husband is looking for me as I am, quirks and all, that I didn't need to change anything because he will come to love everything that I may hate about myself.

That word really encouraged me but God wasn't done using her yet and continued to bless me with her prayer.

She then talked about my writings and I looked up at my friend. E smiled at me and shook her head no, signifying that she didn't tell her friend about my future plans. I then listened to the woman ask God to bless my writings and my voice and open doors of opportunities for me.

At that moment, I knew I was making the right decision, that I wasn't out of God's will, that He was leading me and making my paths straight.

That was this past summer...

However lately, I've been feeling like I've called myself to this particular season in my life. I packed up my bags and moved across the country to another sunny state only to feel like that God is not here and I am utterly alone.

I know that's not true, I know that God will never forsake me, never leave me and I know I am supposed to be here but my reality and my perception of being called by God are clashing cause they don't fit at all.

For example, Luke 5 paints the picture of what I believe is God's anointing on someone's life. Jesus told Peter, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." and Peter follows Jesus' orders and "they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break." So much so, that Peter had to ask for help from his partners. 

Blessings upon blessings filled Peter's nets and he knew that his life has changed from that moment on. It was obvious that Jesus was doing something magnificent through him.

But my reality is not like that at all. I haven't caught one fish, not even a goldfish (where do you find those by the way?)

I'm struggling to believe His word when the things that I thought God called me to be aren't coming into fruition. I don't see how His plans for me will become real life. They are just dreams at this point. Crazy, delusional dreams.

I'm feeling like how John the Baptist felt in Luke 7. He finds himself in jail after preparing the pathway for Jesus to come in. And then, the order comes out that he has to be beheaded. So he's probably thinking, "Uhhh... if Jesus is the Savior and all, why isn't He saving me?"

A valid question that keeps popping into my own mind for these past few weeks.

I thought I would be further along in my life by this age. I thought I would be married or at least in a serious relationship by now. I thought I would be so much more confident at this time. I thought I would be more able to take on the plans God has for me. But that is not the truth.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a retrograde setting. Progress comes hard in my life and going forward is too difficult for me.

And I find myself, like John, screaming out to God, "Are You the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?"

Did You really call me?
Or am I mistaken?
Did I hear You wrong?
Are You even aware with what is happening with me?
Do You even care?

If you're anything like me, we keep throwing our doubts, our questions and our accusations toward God and don't wait for His response because usually we aren't looking to be comforted. No, we want action that support our desires and our needs.

John wants to be saved from his circumstance but Jesus doesn't do that for John and He rarely does it for me. Instead, Jesus says, "Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who doesn't fall away on account of Me."

John's response is not recorded in the bible but if I was him, I would have said, "That is awesome, Jesus but what about me? What are you going to do in my life? I need you so what are you gonna do for me?"

I sound pretty selfish but when I hear and read everyone's story about their Jesus encounter, I compare and wonder where is He in my life...

Because right now I feel like I am in the desert, circling the same mountain of insecurity and lack and I feel so alone and abandoned and as if I wasn't made to handle the God-sized dream given to me, however, Jesus' response to John reminds me that it doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't matter where I find myself because Jesus is still Jesus, the Lord and Savior of my life and God is still God and He is still good and able to make everything work out for my good and His glory.

There will be times when you are in the trenches, when you are in jail and wonder if God really called you to this life, if He cares about you, if He's even with you but you have to remind yourself of His promises to you and what He has done for you.
We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, neither height nor depth, nor anything in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
See, I have engraved you on the palms of My hands, your walls are ever before Me. Isaiah 49:16
For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will be found by you... Jeremiah 29:11-14
Sometimes He won't deliver you from certain storms or fires but you have to remember that you will come forth better than you came in and with no hair singed by the flames or drenched by the rain.

Don't allow your feelings to dictate how you should live your life. Don't become idle with your walk with God when you feel as if He is nowhere to be found. Stir yourself up with expectancy, keep reading the Word, continue pouring your heart out to Him and remind yourself that what He did for you before, He is certainly capable of doing it again for you now and in the future.

With God, the best is always yet to come. Don't give up. Don't turn away. Keep waiting and trusting in Him because God is so worthy!

No comments