Russian Roulette

And I find myself here
On my knees again
With this heavy weight in my hand
Not sure if I am looking for
Healing or punishment,
Condemnation or redemption
But I remember the last time:
As his fingers woven tightly
Within my hair, he chuckled
Against my pursed lips
And pushed against my disdain,
Making me swallow it
Along with his dick.
Then he pushed and pulled
Pushed and pulled
Creating within me a vacuum
That sucked all my words,
All my defenses, all my reflexes
Into an oblivion, an emptiness,
So vast, so expansive that
He continued plowing, until
With a moan, he came and
Filled me with sustenance
That I didn’t pray for
That I didn’t starve for
That I couldn’t stomach at all.
I was no Eden but he made
A hell out of me, infiltrating
And rewriting my inheritance,
Reactivating those dormant sins
That I tried hard to forget.
That I can’t forget. I can’t
So here I am again,
On my knees again, but
This time I’ll open my mouth
Willingly, and swallow
Its metallic length.
This time, I’ll immediately
Warm up to its cool surface
And accept its seed.
The snake inside is hungry.

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