Confessions

I am obsessive. If something catches my eye and brings a gleam to it, I will find myself gravitating towards it. I light up as I delve deeper and deeper into it until just the mere thought of it brings a sigh to my lips and  my heart flutters. That's what happens when I think of Dan and Blair from Gossip Girl. I LOVE them so much. They make me smile and giggle. Their banter, their conversations, their attraction for each other... makes me happy... very happy!

And after the crazy, horrible finale of Gossip Girl this last spring, I have immersed myself with the fanfiction.net community, trying to find solace within the web pages to satiate my thirst for Dair until the next and final season comes this October. And fortunately, I have. The stories have definitely captured the relationship's essence and got me falling in love with the duo all over again.

Then it got me thinking...

What do I want out of a relationship?

When the time comes, when I realize that the risk of breaking my heart is not so bad compared to not having the guy in my life, what is it that I want from him, from me, from us?

I already have a list of the characteristics I want him to have, but once he's present and real and more than willing to be with me, what do I want from the relationship?

Communication

I want there to be an open dialogue between us. I want to be able to talk to him about anything and everything that comes to mind, which is a lot when it comes to me. I also want him to do the same with me; to feel free to share his thoughts, dreams and hopes for his future and hopefully ours; to never feel as if I would dismiss anything he has to say. Yes, I know that guys rarely talk, at least not as much as girls do, but I want us to be comfortable with one another to talk freely without the fear of judgment or repercussion.

Honesty

This trait is kinda tied in with communication but is very important to me that it should be emphasized a bit more. There's a little double standard going around where girls can be honest about things and all hell breaks loose if the guys even think about doing the same. Well, I can't promise him that I won't want to choke him when he's being truthful but I rather be mad now then later on when whatever has been bothering him has caused both of us to be pissed. I hope he tells me that something is annoying him before he snaps at me and finds himself spooning the couch that night (trust me, I'm not above that). I really don't want him to hold back on saying things to me because he doesn't want to upset me. I don't want him to put me first and not give me the chance to do the same for him. A relationship works best if there is compromise from both parties instead of one doing all the sacrificing.

Common Ground

The foundation cannot be built on some flimsy, weak material; the relationship won't last long. The foundation should be built on a common ground that is firm and will hold up when everything else fails. When life throws us lemons and we can't make lemonade quick enough, our cornerstone will keep us together even when we think quitting would be easier. Dan and Blair's common ground is the arts. Their common interests drew them together and they just built on that and created Dair, a relationship I thought I wanted. But, I don't want that. Yes, I want us to have similar interests but those won't keep us together in the long run. In fact, I would be the one to throw books at his head whenever he's infuriating. So, it just came to me, God would be our foundation: He was here in the beginning and He will be here when everything ends, why wouldn't anyone build on Him who is everlasting? I'm just saying: stick with the One who has made it through everything.

There are other things I want and need from a man who will ultimately become my husband: father-material, attractive, good-looking, compassionate, sensitive, has a good sense of humor, passionate, goal-oriented, flexible, resilient, fun and the list goes on and on but the three things above are not options at all. They are requirements and #3 is a necessity that is non-negotiable. 

It's important to know what you want or at least what you don't want. So I ask you, what are your non-negotiable requirements when it comes to a relationship?

Morning Ritual

Don't try to wake me

I know a new day has come

Just let me lie here for a while

Let me rest my eyes for a bit

Wait

What are you doing?

Don't leave me

At least not yet

I want one thing

Just one

I want you

Right now

On this bed

I need you to lie down

And relax

And breathe

As I lay my head down

To listen to your heart

Play its beat

I need to be wrapped up within you

Feel your arms around me

Please

Become my cocoon

Shelter me from the outside view

Keep my feet warm between yours

You don't even have to talk

Don't say a word

Because your touch is enough

Sometimes, I know I can be demanding

But right now

At this moment

Indulge me

Then maybe if we haven't fallen asleep

Then maybe I'll face this new day

It May Look Dark Now

When I am alone, I only have me and it's usually not a good thing. 
I am my own worst critic because I know me. I know my flaws, my failures, my limitations, my insecurities... I know me, so before I even start, I know where it's going to end because I understand my capabilities and guessed where this story is going to end.
And believe me (or my family and friends) when I (they) say that I don't give myself enough credit. The bad qualities are all I see. The good is minimized, or forgotten therefore, I don't remember the best that lies within.
Which is infuriating because it can't be all bad, I'm still here, standing and breathing. I'm still alive so, there has to be some good. But the accuser in me, the devil in me wants to just dig up the imperfections, unearth the lies and feed me with ugliness until I become unbearable, unworthy, a contradiction to everything He says me to be.
And what am I in His eyes? I am the same as you are to Him.

It's always a battle. I've been struggling for years. It's an ongoing war between my perspective and His. And I am so grateful when He wins because His grace allows me to see what He sees. When I'm able to do that, view myself with no bias, anything seems possible in that minute.
Every day is a choice. I keep forgetting that, thinking I'm strong enough to carry on from yesterday's win, but every morning, when I wake up, it has to be a choice, a decision to hand over all that I was, am and will be over to Him.
Despite of me and because of everything He is, I'm going to succeed even though it looks really dark right now.

I will stumble, I will fall and pout and cry and quit many times but He's going to get me there.
No matter what I think.

"When Love Arrives" & "A Crucifixion Type Love"

If you have any idea as to who I am, you'll be surprised that I held out so long on posting something about this subject... If you are just learning about me, you'll realize that I love love... I love the feelings it invokes, the ideals it portrays, the promises it holds. Can you blame me? God created us to want love in our lives. That is why we are always searching for something, anything to fill that void in our hearts at the risk of settling  for a mere imitation. But if you wait on Him and seek Him, He'll fill up that God-shaped hole inside you and fulfill every desire you have ever had and then some...

A Brick House

You huff and you puff
Trying to blow my walls down
But, you silly little fool
There were others before you
Who attempted miserably
And gave up quickly
To tend to their pride
And left me alone
But, I must admit,
If you really want the truth,
That you are the first
Who has stayed
With a lot more air
To keep this up
So what is it that you want?
A penny for my thoughts?
Well how about a dollar?
And then I'll talk

What's Holding Me Back?

I've been ice skating twice in my life. The first time I clutched the railing. You couldn't tear me away from it. I wasn't ready to fall. I didn't want to get hurt. But as time progressed, I could let go and skate a few feet without giving in to the urge to holding on to something.

The second time, I went back to that railing. It had been maybe 3 years since my first time but deep down I knew I didn't need that clutch. But it didn't stop me from holding on as if my life depended on it. And it didn't. Not one bit because I was good enough to do it by myself. However, I didn't let go. And before I knew it, I got hurt. I punctured my finger on the railing and started bleeding.

Then it hit me: even when you're playing safe, you can still get hurt.

Next, I got mad. I was trying to protect myself from falling, from getting trampled, from scrapes and bruises and it was all for naught. I still got hurt doing something that I thought would keep me safe. I removed myself from all the busyness and chaos in the middle of the ice rink and still got hurt from the sidelines...

What the hell?! That doesn't make any sense....

But it does... playing it small doesn't help anyone, especially you. (Marianne Williamson)
Somehow, you still get hurt.
So this lesson made me question myself and my motives...

Why not go all in, immerse yourself with life in its entirety?
What is holding you back?
What is keeping you from moving forward, from taking that step, from facing that risk?
What is holding you down, rooted in one spot, as fear chills you senseless?
What is it that forces you into complacency, satisfied with watching the world pass you by?

And trust me, you aren't happy watching the sun and the moon, the stars and the people around you, both young and old, especially those around your age, move with the freedom you wished you had. But you try to convince yourself that you are okay as time slips by.

That mediocrity is your life. That what you have and who you are is the best that you can expect. That you have reached your limit.

That nothing special is ever gonna happen to you because you are just plain ordinary...
Nothing is ever gonna change

What is it that has you so confused?

Because whatever it is, trust me that it isn't something new. (Ecclesiastes 1:9-11)
Yes, people are different. Yes, you are unique. But, the things that are scaring you at this moment has frightened someone else too. This doesn't take anything away from you; it should just encourage you to get through this because someone else has done it before. You can get through anything with Him who strengthens you. (Philippians 4:13)

He believes in you, so have faith in Him. Reach out and know that He's reaching out towards you too, ready to catch you.
Don't let the lies that you tell yourself build your downfall. Allow His truth and love define who you are and what your destiny is.
If you trust in Him with all your mind, heart and soul, He promises that when you are near the edge of uncertainty/darkness and you walk out in faith:

There will be something solid to stand on or you'll be taught to fly. (Barbara J. Winter)

What Am I Doing?!

All my doubts and all my fears just boil down to that one question. That and "Why Am I Doing It?"


I usually don't have to be doing something crazy. At least, it wouldn't appear crazy to another person. Preparing for a career? Looking for a job? Going on a date? 
These things are normal. But for me, most things have me second guessing myself.
What if my best doesn't cut it? What do I have to offer? What if I am not enough?
And then, it's all downhill and I undermine myself before the race has even started.


This is how the blog started.


Out of the blue, my phone rang (trust me, that is a rare phenomenon). My friend M was on the phone and she sounded really excited. 

I have an idea, you should start a blog.

I thought she went crazy. She then proceeded to explain as to why I should. I'm sorry to say that I don't remember that part of the story because I was ready to forget after the call ended. Why should I? What would I talk about? Aren't there other people who are better to do that? Then she said something that stuck with me.

No one is you. No one can tell a story like you because they don't have your experiences, your perspectives, your anything. Your story matters.

And that's where the title came from too.

I matter and my story does too. It may not matter to a lot of people but that doesn't mean that I don't matter.  It's common sense but sometimes I lack that.


Well, let me now introduce myself. I'm a 20 something recent graduate. I love writing and hope to become an author. I love to read. I'm terribly shy but my friends don't think that at all. I'm also a believer learning how to walk with Him on a daily basis.

Basically, I am a girl trying to figure out what she is doing and sharing it with those who care to read.

I'm glad you are here and I hope that you learn something and have fun too.

Thanks,

R