Mini Bites 42.0

There's the sensible kind of hope:

the hope that is most likely to win,

the hope that stands a chance,

the hope that makes a whole lotta sense.

This is the hope that you and everyone 

around you can see.

Then there's the impossible hope.

The hope that rises up as the other kind is

buried beneath the odds,

The hope that has no type of sense

That has you snatching up all your marbles

Otherwise you'll be left feeling crazy,

and you don't want to be crazy.

No, you want to be like everyone else.

Sensible and attainable.

You want nothing to do with the hope that sees

beyond- beyond all the dwindling chances

and still hopes.

Because that kind of hope holds some serious standards,

and you cannot settle.

It won't let you settle; it won't set you down.

It waits, and you

You wait with it.

You two will wait.

Until the answer comes.

Airport Terminal

You're just passing through,

Waiting for the next destination.

You want no trouble but

It always seems to find you

Like an old friend-

No- more like an annoyance,

I mean acquaintance,

You didn't want to see.

But he sure was glad to see you.

He pulls you aside

And asks you to spread 'em,

As if you can hide anything

Under your soft curves

He was eyeing just moments ago.

But you oblige cause to do otherwise...

You don't want no trouble so

You raise your hands up high,

Offering yourself as a sacrifice

To maintain the peace,

While your insides churn with chaotic disgust,

As his ravenous hands reach for your body.

Now starts the pat-down,

He begins with your breasts

And then the smooth line of your waist,

Never taking into account

The doubts and insecurities

Weighing on your chest

Or the nervous hatred bubbling in your belly.

No, he doesn't care

Because he's dealing with the battle

Within his own body:

How far can he go to enjoy this

Without appearing like a perv?

If only he knew,

What an eye you had on him.

He holds in his whistle

As he makes his way past your hips.

But you can still see

The lust in his eyes.

Who wouldn't notice

His wolf interior bursting out at the seams?

No, he can't fool you.

That he does know

So he turns you around to continue his search.

(For what, who knows?)

He finally reaches that ass

Oh, how they love to pat that ass.

He gives it an appreciable squeeze

And shameful anger flushes through your veins.

He forgot himself,

With your eyes facing upfront.

Maybe that's why it's so easy

To stab people in the back.

He now moves down your legs

But not before he touches you where

You have to bite down the reflex to yell,

Knowing full well that no scream

Would ever be loud enough

To wake up the dead,

Your innocence long gone.

You're a big girl now and

He's done with you now,

Already forgetting about you

Not giving a damn that you haven't

That you can't.

You didn't want no trouble.

You were just passing through.

But he, like everyone else, passed through you,

Leaving marks and bruises

Another claim on your terrain.

Not that anyone could tell

If anyone cared to notice

But they don't.

You're left to hunch over the burdens

But you don't

Because your mama taught you a better posture:

Don't ever be ashamed of those bruises and scars.

Baby, you are truth

That sometimes you are a battlefield

That people bring the war to you,

But you can survive.

You are proof that we can survive.

I survived.

151 Ramblings

He cupped my face gently,

Looked straight into my eyes

And smiled, a simple gesture

That gutted and left me

Gambling, gasping, grabbing

For air but I came up empty.

My lungs, naked and thirsty,

Burned with betrayal, angry

That I couldn’t get it together.

“I hate you,” spilled from

My singed throat but still

Hit its mark, softly.

And he didn’t look

Surprised because he

Understood that this was

Very close to the truth.

“I hate you,” I mumbled

Against his shoulder as he

Held me close. Tears

Brimmed my eyes as my

Eardrums resonated with

His heart. I couldn’t do this.

Being this close wasn’t fair.

But I stayed; there was no

Other place that was home.

To me, he was it but for him,

I didn’t know and I didn’t have

The courage to ask. All I could

Muster was the guts to drink in

The proof. And those same

Guts were now on fire and

My tongue was on the loose,

Almost released from the reign of my

Conscience: “I hate you

Because you make me forget.

I never can remember that I can

Row and wade my way through a

Sea of choices. Damn it, I can have

Anyone but I’m swept up in

A current of you. All I want is you.”

But I couldn’t say that. No, I didn’t 

Reach that part of the bottle yet.

A Magic Trick

It’s imperceptible

A sleight of hand

It’s erosion, the slow

Chipping away from

The ebb and flow of

Those surrounding her.

It’s undeniable: she is

A puppet, a caricature.

She soaked up their

Mannerisms and their

Beliefs and their attitudes

Now she can’t recognize

Herself in the mirror. No,

All she sees are dead eyes

And a rotting flesh. She

Doesn't live here anymore,

Checking out a long time

Ago to usher in worthy

Causes and outstanding

Goals and everything that

Was never her. But she tried

So hard. What a tragedy to

Be left at the edge, wondering

When the hell did it all unravel?

Where was the moment that

Changed everything?

Russian Roulette

And I find myself here

On my knees again

With this heavy weight in my hand

Not sure if I am looking for

Healing or punishment,

Condemnation or redemption

But I remember the last time:

As his fingers woven tightly

Within my hair, he chuckled

Against my pursed lips

And pushed against my disdain,

Making me swallow it

Along with his dick.

Then he pushed and pulled

Pushed and pulled

Creating within me a vacuum

That sucked all my words,

All my defenses, all my reflexes

Into an oblivion, an emptiness,

So vast, so expansive that

He continued plowing, until

With a moan, he came and

Filled me with sustenance

That I didn’t pray for

That I didn’t starve for

That I couldn’t stomach at all.

I was no Eden but he made

A hell out of me, infiltrating

And rewriting my inheritance,

Reactivating those dormant sins

That I tried hard to forget.

That I can’t forget. I can’t

So here I am again,

On my knees again, but

This time I’ll open my mouth

Willingly, and swallow

Its metallic length.

This time, I’ll immediately

Warm up to its cool surface

And accept its seed.

The snake inside is hungry.

He Said

He said that I was a beautiful affliction.
And looking at him,
I wasn't sure if I should have been
Offended or flattered
That he knew me so well.
So, I stayed.
He said that every time he kissed me he tasted tears,
That he could feel sadness perpetuating my soul.
That every time we met, it always changed him,
Rearranging his very being to make room for me
And my surplus baggage.
He said that I treated my stretch marks as ticks,
Illuminating my failures,
The fall and eventual rise in numbers.
But he saw them as battle scars,
Marking my journey to the shape I present to him now:
A soft and indestructible form.
He said that I was the embodiment of humanity,
Full of potential and sometimes falling short.
But because I was covered by grace,
I knew, despite the bruises and
My bleeding knees, I can get back up
And try again, even if there's a chance for fall.
He said that the shards, the brokenness of my soul
Made me perfect, made me beautiful.
That he loved to see me move
Because I always found a way
To capture the sun's light and cast rainbows
Onto the soles of my feet.
He said that he knew what I was thinking right now.
That he felt the tinge of regret running through my veins,
As if I could have loved him more.
But, reassuring me, he said that it was enough.
That I was enough, that I was all he needed.
He kept saying these things and I stayed,
Listening because I couldn't leave:
His hand laid comfortably inside my chest,
In between my lungs, helping me breathe
He knew me and I knew him
And we both knew what I had become.
His.

Horizon

I kissed death squarely on its mouth

And was pleasantly surprised to be

Met, not with a skull,

But with soft lips that attempted,

With a breath that smelled

Like daises and white lilies,

To render my lungs useless

Not forever but for one moment

Because it understood my need,

Better than any previous lover,

To be swept off my feet.

Its eyes were a shade of eternity,

A mixture between dawn and dusk,

A color I could fall in love with,

If there was any time.

It held me with such delicacy

That I searched for high and low

But have not found yet.

It held me as if I was whole

And perfect and beautiful,

Not like a treasure chest

That has been stripped from its gold.

No, it saw me in a way

That no one ever could.

Not even me.

Maybe we got it all wrong.

I let go.

Unfulfilled

Have you ever wondered
If your bones were oracles
You should have heeded
Or that you should have listened
To those guts now splayed all over,
Lying limp upon your sheets?
Maybe if you had paid attention
You wouldn't be here playing
Out the prophecy
Your inner being warned you about.
And you can't do anything
Lying petrified, covered with
The sweat of your sin
You can't move
Not that you want to stay
But because there's a fine line
Separating you from reality
That you don't want to disturb
A delicate boundary that
Can break as easily as
When that boy who once sweared
To you a lifetime of eternities
Took your virginity
And left you empty
No, you don't want to move
And look at him
Next to you
And realize with sobering eyes
He's a shadow of a man
A craven of a god
Who failed to call the
Cooling waters to free you
From the burning within
Who failed to give breath
To those dreams you're ashamed
To admit you still have
He failed you and
Instead gave you a truth
You don't want to swallow
How can you give everything
And still feel alone as
If you have nothing

Playing Pretend

Wake up and look around
Halloween is an everyday thing
Don't you see the lambs
Dressed up as wolves
Sheepish and adamant
About not becoming sacrifices
For a cause that lost
Its valor and its glory
Many years ago
Sadly, they are not like
The Shepard, they tune out His voice
And refuse to follow
They are selfish
And not the good kind
They feed on flesh
Rotten or fresh
They don't discriminate
They nourish and flourish
Among the weeds and desiccated trees
Being kept alive by the sole desire
To serve their starving, gluttonous bellies
With anything that can be found
But nothing satiates the need
Hunger pains don't hurt luckily
Not when immunized against their conscience
They don't want to hurt anymore
So they clothe themselves
Under different markings
Disguising their vulnerabilities
Hiding the soft spots
Putting a breastplate over the beating flesh
Located beneath their rib-cages
They are taking precautions
Ignoring their nature
To make sure that they don't break
Especially when love might not be
Worth it anymore

So Much More

Your eyes would bug out

In complete and utter disbelief

If I shared that I was first ostracized

By those who looked like me

In the sense when white people say,

"They all look the same."

But it's never revealed that

The aforementioned they

weren't looking for similarities

Around the campfires.

No, we didn't clasp hands

Singing Kumbaya and other negro songs

When the differences were 

Much more fun to poke and prod.

"No, we are not the same"

We repeat to one another

Until it becomes a mantra

That deepens and widens

The divide among our people.

"No, we are not the same"

Because first comes the skin

There's light, cocoa, red, brown

And the dark as night

"Hey, I can't see you" black

Then come the educated

And those hailed by the streets

Both looking down at the other

Because one looks like a traitor

Kissing the ass of our oppressors

While the other resembles our ancestors

Enslaved by society's perception of our color

And then comes the hair

We got the good hair 

You know the type that

A comb doesn't have to fight

and the nappy-headed hair

Attached to the sensitive scalp

Of a sensitive girl who 

Cried her way to the store

To buy the chemicals 

To straighten out 
The kinks in her DNA

Because kids dubbed her doo-doo braids

And made her feel like shit

When all she wanted

Was to feel as if she belonged.

"No, we are not the same"

Because we keep listing

All the intricacies and 

All the idiosyncrasies 

Until we stand alone

As individuals

Never really feeling at home

In a category society grouped us in.

Black; there's so much more to that.

Conflict

Tears fill up my eyes when
You look at me and say that I am good
In all sense of the word and more
You know that I am perfect and wonderful
A masterpiece
I am Yours
But it breaks my heart because it must wreak
Yours, knowing that
I don't believe You.
I realize that You don't lie
But it's hard to see the truth
When all I see is a dreadful mess
Wrapped up in a carcass of a body
That You died for.
Your blood was spilled to nourish this tree
To bear the world fruit
But the weeds at my feet
Are slowly growing, slithering
Upwards, with plans to choke me
To deprive me of Your word
In order to mangle my thoughts
Into sharp swords that will
Kill me from the inside out
And the worst of it all
Is that I can't hear You
I can't feel You at times
When You promised that You will never leave me
No matter how many times I have forsaken You
Have I reached the limit?
Is that why You're not here?
Am I at the bottom of the depths?
Is that why Your voice can't reach me?
I dare You to contradict me
I dare You to prove me wrong
I dare You because
I need You

ThrowBack

A Love Unlike

I want a love that’s worth a lifetime,

A one-of-a-kind love,

Never replicated but inspires people to search for their own unique love, 

A love that stops my heart and with a smile rejuvenates it, 

A love where a simple touch sends chills down my spine, 

Where he makes my name sound beautiful between his lips, 

A love that makes commitment less daunting than its absence from my life, 

A love that puts a new meaning to the word, 

A love that outshines those that came before,

A love that shows me it is worth the wait, 

A love where I would simply give and want of nothing because, 

In return, I receive everything,

A love that is 

“Patient and kind, that does not envy or boast, it is not proud nor easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs, a love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, a love that always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres,” 

A love that God ordained in His book and wished for each one of us to have, 

A love that only He can give if I wait patiently on Him. 

That is the kind of love I want…

Encounter

When he revealed the secret
My eyes widened
And his laugh resonated
Within his chest
Responding to my disbelief
Then, at that moment,
I learned he wasn't as hollow
As I thought before
He wasn't as cold
As he felt before
The sound shook me
As well as his answer
I almost didn't want to
Believe either
But here he was
In the flesh
Or better yet
Beyond it
Surrounded by a blinding light
So much different than
When the clouds filled his absence
Now he was bright
I asked him again
And he smiled
Sometimes it's better to put off the questions
Especially when the wounds are apparent
Let go of the doubts
And hold on to your faith
Hold on to Him

Coping

He tasted like the sea,
And smelled like his soap.
Our lips wrestled one another,
Fighting for dominance.
And he claimed every sweet spot,
As I gasped and shivered underneath him,
Praying I could have this control one day.
I tried to find meaning between my thighs
Within my flesh, within my grasp.
As I pushed into each of his thrusts,
It materialized,
Nascent and fragile,
In front of my eyes,
And centered, strengthened inside my core.
My body hummed with excitement,
Because it knew, because it remembered,
Finally feeling alive, feeling free,
And I began to believe again.
But it shattered into a million stars,
My body died a little, I couldn't breathe,
He knocked me senseless,
Before I could comprehend it.
Becoming too much to consume,
Too much to understand,
And I was left undone, left moaning,
Lost within the rushing waves of our existence.
More so than when I first invited him in.
Once he rolled off, I felt so alone again.
It slipped out between my fingers,
Disappearing as his breathing deepened.
Lying beside him, I wait
Hungrily impatient
To try again, to climb up
And chase down the reason for living.

Let Me Say Something

Maybe I have gotten too good at this
I practiced enough at the
Masking and camouflaging
It seems to have you fooled
You who can't even see me
For who I am
The modern jack-o-lantern
I carved these scars
Into the smiles that adorn this battered face
The knife danced on my skin
Peeling and cutting away
What I deemed unacceptable
Based on a scale, not worthy of me
But you can't see that
Or maybe you don't want to
Because then you'll realize
That I am a lost cause
On your Samaritan crusade
Another failed knotch on your charity belt
Because you cannot redeem me
The price is too high
You cannot save me
With that plank in your eye
Although I have secrets to hide
My walls do not bar me from others
I see me in you
You and I are so much alike
Bound up by lies and fears
Picking at scabs
Refusing for the bruises to heal
It is so easy to remain hurt
Ignorant and indignant
While crying out for a grander quest
But how can you expect more
When you haven't dealt with
What's already in your hand,
In your heart, in your soul?
Can you really handle more crap in your life?
Is there even room for my hand?
You keep putting on these garments
Assuming a role that is not yours
I already have a Savior
I just need you here
Seeing me and still loving me
Despite everything

Child to Parent

All I ever wanted was to make you proud
To see your eyes light up and your face shine
As your lips curved upwards
Towards the sky
And stole the crescent moon
I didn't want to disappoint you
Or make you sad
To make you think that I was a mistake
A stupid mistake
That needed correcting or condemning
All I ever wanted was to make you proud
Blessed and lucky
I didn't mean to become your nightmare
Terrorizing your plans for the future
I'm sorry I cannot be the embodiment of your dreams
That lay broken at my feet
I'm sorry my breath cannot resurrect your hopes
From the dust
No, my birth was not the second coming
I am not who you were waiting for
I am me
With my own hopes, dreams and plans
That will remove that bitterness
Life left in your mouth
Please believe me when I say
That you don't have to worry
I'll make you proud one day
But on my terms
You've had your turn
Now it's mine

Mute

The words won't come out.
I can't speak, I can barely type
What is going on around my head
I'm scared,
Terrified of going off balance
Of raising the risk
I need to talk
But you make my tongue go numb
The words are many
Yet none are ever known
What if you don't want to hear
What if you can't
And all of this is in vain
Cause you decided
My input has no weight,
No bearing because
I don't matter

Vow

I loved you with everything
Because I wasn't taught to do less
My dreams I sacrificed
My hopes catered to you
Because I haven't learned to do less
Love isn't a cheap endeavor
It demands, it requires
All that is within you
It isn't some cheap endeavor
It's day and night
Passion and lull
It is a choice
And at times a habit
That can be unbearable
But I wake up to you always
Because I wasn't taught any less
My heart beats for you
Even when I prayed it will still
Because I haven't learned any less
Push me away all you want
But your worst won't do the trick
Because at this precise moment
My love is needed the most

Writer's Block

It's ironic
For years now
I buried my feelings
Never an utterance rolled from my tongue
To shed light as to who I was
Building an insurmountable, impenetrable fortress
No one could glean what laid inside
Only the wise knew what brewed underneath
And, thankfully, they are a dying breed
I was alone where no one could hurt me
Safe within my own mind
Never prodded or nudged
Never asked to share what was mine
But the irony?
It's a dreadful reality
The ground, impregnated with the unsaid,
Mocks me through this empty page
Refusing to yield the fruits of silence
It doesn't care what I sowed
Or what I want to reap
Yet, when I close my eyes
It whispers the words
I try to say now
And when awake
It speaks a dead language
My thoughts, a loss forever

To-Do List

I have a million and one things to do
Now a million and two things
Demanding my attention
Clamoring to be completed
Requesting my attendance
But I don't care
Cause I would rather be doing you
Against that wall
Or in the pool
Leaning over this table
And on your chair too
A million and six thousand things in line
But you're number one in my mind