He sat across from me in a booth when he said, "You're okay with being a footnote." I brushed him off with a roll of my eyes, hating that he could speak so clearly into my life.
And he didn't stop there (he rarely does). Later in the car, he said, "You are more important than you think you are. Thinking otherwise cheapens the value you have in other people's lives."
A few days later, his words are still in my head, making themselves at home. I'll never (easily) let him know how right he is when it comes to me but since the beginning of the year (probably before that), I've been thinking along the same lines. And God has been using him and other people to affirm what I have been feeling.
Then He sent me Romans 9:33:
See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.This verse brings to my mind the Pharisees and the Sadducees. They were a self-righteous group of people, those who observed the Law of Moses and believed that their works made them blameless in God's eyes. They thought they were in the right but when Jesus came, He showed that everything about them was wrong.
Although they knew the Bible, their hearts were far from God's and they didn't take that news too well.
Jesus was a stumbling block for those who exalted themselves but I realized lately, He's also been tripping me up.
And I don't think too much of myself.
One of my greatest fears is not being enough. I am afraid of putting myself out there and not measuring up to someone's standard, someone's requirement, or worse, my own expectation. So, he's right: I make myself small; I become a footnote. I belittle and force myself into everyone's peripheral vision, praying that I don't become the center of attention in order to avoid failing publicly, embarrassingly and miserably.
I stay within my means and don't take risks. I sit on the sidelines, burying the regret of not being out on the field, convincing myself that it's better to just sit this one (and everything else) out.
But the funny thing is that not only does Jesus become a stumbling block for the proud and the conceited, He also trips up those who don't think they have anything to offer, those who are overlooked, those who are small.
Regardless if you think that the sun shines out of your ass or that you're unfit to do anything, He's going to knock the self right out of you.
Boundaries shatter against this Rock. Comfort zones have to give way in His presence. Nothing born out of self-sufficiency will hold up against Him.
He will consume you and yes, Jesus is a gentleman, but sooner or later you'll realize what you've been depending on to get you this far will run on empty and then, only then will His strength be made perfect in your weakness.
That's what I've been realizing: the way I see myself, my insecurities don't mean a thing when I look at that cross. His grace is sufficient for me and my perceived lack. What He did on Calvary was enough. And as long as I play it safe, I won't see His power, His grace manifest in my life. I won't get to see me blossom and see what He has made me to be.
Even if it scares me, I can't play small anymore. I can't! I have to step outside of myself, step out in faith and know that where I end, He begins. I have to trust Him.
Don't be a footnote. Be the whole damn book, be the main character. Don't be the supporting actress to your own life.
Aren't you tired of sitting down? I know I am!!!!
Go ahead and take the center stage. Even if you don't think you deserve it, that's okay. That's what Grace is about.
