Me Versus Me

So my head keeps playing ping pong between my thoughts

That oscillate between doubts and the truth

And it seems that the doubts have the upper hand

Am I good enough?

Am I a good daughter?

Am I a better sister?

Am I an irreplaceable friend?

Or can someone else substitute all the positions I play

What is my worth

When I know that another can do so much better

Cause I don't think I want to be here

I don't want this

I don't want any of it

All these responsibilities

All these expectations

Everyone relying on me to fill their requirements

Everyone needing me to be something that they want

Everyone molding me into a more desirable person

Someone, I believe,

Who is generous

Who is whole

Who is perfect

Who is not me

Not one bit

Because, I am flawed

I am broken

I am selfish

I am me

And even if I tried

To take on that role

Killed my dreams and destroyed my potential

Ignored my will to follow yours

I'll fall short

I will always fall short

To be the everything you want me to be

The X Chronicles: The Curse

I'm so-

No, you're right; it is your fault,

Just let me talk.

I apologize for wasting yo-

Can you please let me finish?

Now, where was I?

It sucks to say that

You are not enough, my dear

True, not long ago

I took what I could get

Afterthoughts and regrets

I received what you gave

Cause pieces of you

Fooled me into thinking

I was full and content

But the empty kisses

And the pity glances

Hollow out my barren heart

You aren't here with me anymore

Cause, let's be honest

You're with her

Yea, you thought I didn't know

You keep forgetting

Mama didn't raise no blind girl

You must be crazy to think I can't see

I'm never gonna fit into her measurements

I will always fail your fantasy

I'm not meant to take her place

Because, you idiot,

She is not me

So please, leave

Don't let our memories hold you back

I wouldn't want us to be the reason

You never attained perfection

But before you go, you must keep in mind

When she mounts you like the ass you are

When she showers you with kisses

When she brings you so close

That you can't help but come

Inside that tiny space

She'll coddle you in

Leaving you satisfied

As if you've reached the climax

My face will then haunt you

My touch will then invade you

My love will then drown you

Cause when I said forever

It wasn't meant to be taken lightly

That was my guarantee

Now, bye

And please, let the door hit you on the way out.

When I Grow Up

While staring at this gorgeous picture of Beyonce, I had an epiphany:

It's like putting on my mommy's shoes

Trying to be anyone I choose.

But realizing no one else's skin felt as right

As the one my Father placed me in.

I want to be my own kind of beautiful.

Not his or hers.

I want to be mine.

This thought hasn't crossed my mind before because who I thought I would end up being was a composite of desirable traits from other women. Like having her flawless skin, her hourglass shape, her smile, her butt, her legs. Her determination, her intelligence, her boldness, her wit. The end product would have no remnants of myself.

Instead of building on the blueprint God gave me, I wanted to ditch His plans in order to become a copy. It was never about being the best of me.

There was always something wrong; there was always something to improve. Every time I looked in the mirror, I would always find an excuse, "Oh that's nice, but..."

And commercials and the women around me did not help. The TV blatantly told me my measurements were all wrong. The women in my life told me, consciously or not, what I should change.

When I closed my eyes and pictured my future self, she would be nothing like this; not like me.

Fortunately, I'm starting to appreciate what I got and who I am.

It's a small step; a baby step forward. It sometimes hits me like "Whoa! Who's that pretty girl?" Then I smile cause it's me and next, I realize:

I have a pretty smile and a great butt (you should see my smile when I see it). My legs are awesome and I got a little coca-cola bottle shape going on. And my skin, although not perfect, has a nice tone to it. I am a fighter (to a fault cause my guy friends have no sense of mercy), a homebody, gullible, very silly, full of humor and loving.

The array of qualities within me makes me unique and special. No one can say they are exactly like me.

I wish I can say that I have come to the point where I can look at another woman and not list all her perfections while putting myself down. But I can't lie, I still do that. However, when I envision the woman I will become, everything will be all me. Not anyone else.

When I grow up, I will be older and wiser but you'll know by my big playful eyes that I am still me.