Tears fill up my eyes when
You look at me and say that I am good
In all sense of the word and more
You know that I am perfect and wonderful
A masterpiece
I am Yours
But it breaks my heart because it must wreak
Yours, knowing that
I don't believe You.
I realize that You don't lie
But it's hard to see the truth
When all I see is a dreadful mess
Wrapped up in a carcass of a body
That You died for.
Your blood was spilled to nourish this tree
To bear the world fruit
But the weeds at my feet
Are slowly growing, slithering
Upwards, with plans to choke me
To deprive me of Your word
In order to mangle my thoughts
Into sharp swords that will
Kill me from the inside out
And the worst of it all
Is that I can't hear You
I can't feel You at times
When You promised that You will never leave me
No matter how many times I have forsaken You
Have I reached the limit?
Is that why You're not here?
Am I at the bottom of the depths?
Is that why Your voice can't reach me?
I dare You to contradict me
I dare You to prove me wrong
I dare You because
I need You
ThrowBack
Friday, October 26, 2012
A Love Unlike
I want a love that’s
worth a lifetime,
A one-of-a-kind love,
Never replicated but inspires people to
search for their own unique love,
A love that stops my heart and with a smile
rejuvenates it,
A love where a simple touch sends chills down my spine,
Where
he makes my name sound beautiful between his lips,
A love that makes commitment
less daunting than its absence from my life,
A love that puts a new meaning to
the word,
A love that outshines those that came before,
A love that shows me it is worth the wait,
A love where I would simply give and want of nothing
because,
In return, I receive everything,
A love that is
“Patient and kind, that does not envy or boast, it is not proud nor easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs, a love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, a love that always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres,”
A love that God ordained in His book and wished for each one of us
to have,
A love that only He can give if I wait patiently on Him.
That is the
kind of love I want…
Encounter
Thursday, October 25, 2012
When he revealed the secret
My eyes widened
And his laugh resonated
Within his chest
Responding to my disbelief
Then, at that moment,
I learned he wasn't as hollow
As I thought before
He wasn't as cold
As he felt before
The sound shook me
As well as his answer
I almost didn't want to
Believe either
But here he was
In the flesh
Or better yet
Beyond it
Surrounded by a blinding light
So much different than
When the clouds filled his absence
Now he was bright
I asked him again
And he smiled
Sometimes it's better to put off the questions
Especially when the wounds are apparent
Let go of the doubts
And hold on to your faith
Hold on to Him
My eyes widened
And his laugh resonated
Within his chest
Responding to my disbelief
Then, at that moment,
I learned he wasn't as hollow
As I thought before
He wasn't as cold
As he felt before
The sound shook me
As well as his answer
I almost didn't want to
Believe either
But here he was
In the flesh
Or better yet
Beyond it
Surrounded by a blinding light
So much different than
When the clouds filled his absence
Now he was bright
I asked him again
And he smiled
Sometimes it's better to put off the questions
Especially when the wounds are apparent
Let go of the doubts
And hold on to your faith
Hold on to Him
Coping
Saturday, October 20, 2012
He tasted like the sea,
And smelled like his soap.
Our lips wrestled one another,
Fighting for dominance.
And he claimed every sweet spot,
As I gasped and shivered underneath him,
Praying I could have this control one day.
I tried to find meaning between my thighs
Within my flesh, within my grasp.
As I pushed into each of his thrusts,
It materialized,
Nascent and fragile,
In front of my eyes,
And centered, strengthened inside my core.
My body hummed with excitement,
Because it knew, because it remembered,
Finally feeling alive, feeling free,
And I began to believe again.
But it shattered into a million stars,
My body died a little, I couldn't breathe,
He knocked me senseless,
Before I could comprehend it.
Becoming too much to consume,
Too much to understand,
And I was left undone, left moaning,
Lost within the rushing waves of our existence.
More so than when I first invited him in.
Once he rolled off, I felt so alone again.
It slipped out between my fingers,
Disappearing as his breathing deepened.
Lying beside him, I wait
Hungrily impatient
To try again, to climb up
And chase down the reason for living.
And smelled like his soap.
Our lips wrestled one another,
Fighting for dominance.
And he claimed every sweet spot,
As I gasped and shivered underneath him,
Praying I could have this control one day.
I tried to find meaning between my thighs
Within my flesh, within my grasp.
As I pushed into each of his thrusts,
It materialized,
Nascent and fragile,
In front of my eyes,
And centered, strengthened inside my core.
My body hummed with excitement,
Because it knew, because it remembered,
Finally feeling alive, feeling free,
And I began to believe again.
But it shattered into a million stars,
My body died a little, I couldn't breathe,
He knocked me senseless,
Before I could comprehend it.
Becoming too much to consume,
Too much to understand,
And I was left undone, left moaning,
Lost within the rushing waves of our existence.
More so than when I first invited him in.
Once he rolled off, I felt so alone again.
It slipped out between my fingers,
Disappearing as his breathing deepened.
Lying beside him, I wait
Hungrily impatient
To try again, to climb up
And chase down the reason for living.
Let Me Say Something
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Maybe I have gotten too good at this
I practiced enough at the
Masking and camouflaging
It seems to have you fooled
You who can't even see me
For who I am
The modern jack-o-lantern
I carved these scars
Into the smiles that adorn this battered face
The knife danced on my skin
Peeling and cutting away
What I deemed unacceptable
Based on a scale, not worthy of me
But you can't see that
Or maybe you don't want to
Because then you'll realize
That I am a lost cause
On your Samaritan crusade
Another failed knotch on your charity belt
Because you cannot redeem me
The price is too high
You cannot save me
With that plank in your eye
Although I have secrets to hide
My walls do not bar me from others
I see me in you
You and I are so much alike
Bound up by lies and fears
Picking at scabs
Refusing for the bruises to heal
It is so easy to remain hurt
Ignorant and indignant
While crying out for a grander quest
But how can you expect more
When you haven't dealt with
What's already in your hand,
In your heart, in your soul?
Can you really handle more crap in your life?
Is there even room for my hand?
You keep putting on these garments
Assuming a role that is not yours
I already have a Savior
I just need you here
Seeing me and still loving me
Despite everything
I practiced enough at the
Masking and camouflaging
It seems to have you fooled
You who can't even see me
For who I am
The modern jack-o-lantern
I carved these scars
Into the smiles that adorn this battered face
The knife danced on my skin
Peeling and cutting away
What I deemed unacceptable
Based on a scale, not worthy of me
But you can't see that
Or maybe you don't want to
Because then you'll realize
That I am a lost cause
On your Samaritan crusade
Another failed knotch on your charity belt
Because you cannot redeem me
The price is too high
You cannot save me
With that plank in your eye
Although I have secrets to hide
My walls do not bar me from others
I see me in you
You and I are so much alike
Bound up by lies and fears
Picking at scabs
Refusing for the bruises to heal
It is so easy to remain hurt
Ignorant and indignant
While crying out for a grander quest
But how can you expect more
When you haven't dealt with
What's already in your hand,
In your heart, in your soul?
Can you really handle more crap in your life?
Is there even room for my hand?
You keep putting on these garments
Assuming a role that is not yours
I already have a Savior
I just need you here
Seeing me and still loving me
Despite everything
Confessions 3.0
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I love reading... Or at least I used to...
When I was little, it was very hard to tear a book from my hands. Every time a new book from the Harry Potter series came out, you would not see me emerge from my room until 3 days later. I begrudgingly took bathroom breaks when nature forced me out of my nice bubble cause sometimes I just reeked.
But lately, I haven't consumed books the way I used to. It's like an affair that lost its luster, its shine. They just don't hold the same fascination I found a few years ago. I have new books begging to be read, but I put them aside for the internet... I blame college and fan-fiction and Tumblr and Facebook and Wikipedia and fast-streaming. Books didn't even have a chance against the internet's quick delivery, fulfilling me with instant gratification that needs to be satisfied again and again in a frequency that makes me impatient in a fast-food line.
I don't have time for development of plot and character. My patience runs thin and snaps as time passes by. A second spent waiting is too much for me. A second... In our generation, a lot can happen in a second... So a second spent waiting is a waste to me. That is why my faith is so weak cause His timing is set to His own clockwork that drives me insane and pushes me (well... not really, I leave on my own accord) to find other things, easy things to appease my needs.
And, like after eating a baconator from Wendy's, I know what I succumbed to was horrible. It might have been so good but it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like real bad, real bad Michael Jackson.
I can't even finish writing because it takes work and work takes time which apparently I don't have. But life is time. No matter what I choose to do with it, time still passes and I can't get it back if I waste it doing something stupid or useless.
Life is time and it's going to be spent with each breath I take. It's my choice to do what I want with it.
It takes time to become good at something. It takes time to develop, to grow. Although I want it now, I have to wait, I have to put in the effort, I have to be patient because it takes time and time moves in a way that modern society didn't teach me.
I need to enjoy the journey as well as the destination or my joys will just be a handful.
When I was little, it was very hard to tear a book from my hands. Every time a new book from the Harry Potter series came out, you would not see me emerge from my room until 3 days later. I begrudgingly took bathroom breaks when nature forced me out of my nice bubble cause sometimes I just reeked.
But lately, I haven't consumed books the way I used to. It's like an affair that lost its luster, its shine. They just don't hold the same fascination I found a few years ago. I have new books begging to be read, but I put them aside for the internet... I blame college and fan-fiction and Tumblr and Facebook and Wikipedia and fast-streaming. Books didn't even have a chance against the internet's quick delivery, fulfilling me with instant gratification that needs to be satisfied again and again in a frequency that makes me impatient in a fast-food line.
I don't have time for development of plot and character. My patience runs thin and snaps as time passes by. A second spent waiting is too much for me. A second... In our generation, a lot can happen in a second... So a second spent waiting is a waste to me. That is why my faith is so weak cause His timing is set to His own clockwork that drives me insane and pushes me (well... not really, I leave on my own accord) to find other things, easy things to appease my needs.
And, like after eating a baconator from Wendy's, I know what I succumbed to was horrible. It might have been so good but it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like real bad, real bad Michael Jackson.
I can't even finish writing because it takes work and work takes time which apparently I don't have. But life is time. No matter what I choose to do with it, time still passes and I can't get it back if I waste it doing something stupid or useless.
Life is time and it's going to be spent with each breath I take. It's my choice to do what I want with it.
It takes time to become good at something. It takes time to develop, to grow. Although I want it now, I have to wait, I have to put in the effort, I have to be patient because it takes time and time moves in a way that modern society didn't teach me.
I need to enjoy the journey as well as the destination or my joys will just be a handful.
Child to Parent
Thursday, October 11, 2012
All I ever wanted was to make you proud
To see your eyes light up and your face shine
As your lips curved upwards
Towards the sky
And stole the crescent moon
I didn't want to disappoint you
Or make you sad
To make you think that I was a mistake
A stupid mistake
That needed correcting or condemning
All I ever wanted was to make you proud
Blessed and lucky
I didn't mean to become your nightmare
Terrorizing your plans for the future
I'm sorry I cannot be the embodiment of your dreams
That lay broken at my feet
I'm sorry my breath cannot resurrect your hopes
From the dust
No, my birth was not the second coming
I am not who you were waiting for
I am me
With my own hopes, dreams and plans
That will remove that bitterness
Life left in your mouth
Please believe me when I say
That you don't have to worry
I'll make you proud one day
But on my terms
You've had your turn
Now it's mine
To see your eyes light up and your face shine
As your lips curved upwards
Towards the sky
And stole the crescent moon
I didn't want to disappoint you
Or make you sad
To make you think that I was a mistake
A stupid mistake
That needed correcting or condemning
All I ever wanted was to make you proud
Blessed and lucky
I didn't mean to become your nightmare
Terrorizing your plans for the future
I'm sorry I cannot be the embodiment of your dreams
That lay broken at my feet
I'm sorry my breath cannot resurrect your hopes
From the dust
No, my birth was not the second coming
I am not who you were waiting for
I am me
With my own hopes, dreams and plans
That will remove that bitterness
Life left in your mouth
Please believe me when I say
That you don't have to worry
I'll make you proud one day
But on my terms
You've had your turn
Now it's mine
Mute
Monday, October 8, 2012
The words won't come out.
I can't speak, I can barely type
What is going on around my head
I'm scared,
Terrified of going off balance
Of raising the risk
I need to talk
But you make my tongue go numb
The words are many
Yet none are ever known
What if you don't want to hear
What if you can't
And all of this is in vain
Cause you decided
My input has no weight,
No bearing because
I don't matter
I can't speak, I can barely type
What is going on around my head
I'm scared,
Terrified of going off balance
Of raising the risk
I need to talk
But you make my tongue go numb
The words are many
Yet none are ever known
What if you don't want to hear
What if you can't
And all of this is in vain
Cause you decided
My input has no weight,
No bearing because
I don't matter
Vow
I loved you with everything
Because I wasn't taught to do less
My dreams I sacrificed
My hopes catered to you
Because I haven't learned to do less
Love isn't a cheap endeavor
It demands, it requires
All that is within you
It isn't some cheap endeavor
It's day and night
Passion and lull
It is a choice
And at times a habit
That can be unbearable
But I wake up to you always
Because I wasn't taught any less
My heart beats for you
Even when I prayed it will still
Because I haven't learned any less
Push me away all you want
But your worst won't do the trick
Because at this precise moment
My love is needed the most
Because I wasn't taught to do less
My dreams I sacrificed
My hopes catered to you
Because I haven't learned to do less
Love isn't a cheap endeavor
It demands, it requires
All that is within you
It isn't some cheap endeavor
It's day and night
Passion and lull
It is a choice
And at times a habit
That can be unbearable
But I wake up to you always
Because I wasn't taught any less
My heart beats for you
Even when I prayed it will still
Because I haven't learned any less
Push me away all you want
But your worst won't do the trick
Because at this precise moment
My love is needed the most
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