I do a weird thing. (
Well, I actually do many weird things, but lets focus on one thing at a time.)
I get inexplicably sad. I just go about my day and all of a sudden I get depressed. There is a yearning in my soul and a burden on my heart. Like seriously, my heart gets this heavy feeling (
I am not kidding, it does gain a few pounds in my chest... okay, not pounds per se, but definitely some ounces) and my mood goes south.
And now that I am thinking about it, there is usually a trigger but it is never
that important to go through the ringer.
For example...
I'm alone in my bed and I get lonely, longing for a cuddle buddy (
thank God, I don't have any guy friends that would gladly blur the boundaries to warm me up in all sense of the word). Or I'm alone in the car and I just have to talk to somebody, anybody, so I go through my list of close friends to find someone to spare just a few minutes with me on the phone. Or I write a piece and I don't like it until someone else tells me what they think of it. But most likely, I get sad and I have no reason to feel that way at all.
I hate that feeling because why should I be so sad? Why do I feel as if I am missing something in my life?
It just gets me questioning myself and it's a down-whirl spiral.
I'm usually self-sufficient. I can do a lot of things for myself, except exterminating the creepy crawlers. But when I get in this funk, I desperately need a person to notice me. Not in the Hollywood kind of way, with all the glitz and glam, I'm too shy for that.
No... I want someone to notice me from the busyness of the world. To recognize me, to see me and say,
Hey, you're on the right track. Keep up the good work.
That's what I want. And not because they think they need to say that or that they pity my futile efforts at life but because they genuinely believe that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. That I am who I am supposed to be.
Recognition is the secret desire of my heart. Validation is the yearning of my soul.
If you wanted to know what I really want for Christmas, then there it is: Recognition and Validation (books are also appreciated).
I know it sounds simple and kind of juvenile but it is what it is. I want what I want.
I do want other things but those things pale in comparison if I don't feel that I matter, that I am of value. I wouldn't enjoy them as much because I'll feel as if I don't deserve them.
And unfortunately, I try to seek value from other people. I expect them to recognize what type of priceless gem I am and constantly tell me until I get an even bigger head =). Until I actually believe it.
But people are fickle.They can like you for
one minute and the next despise you. It all depends on what you can do for
them in that moment, and sadly you can't always think about them because you are selfish too.
You have to be because who else is looking out for you and your best interest?
So yea, I'm kinda stuck, huh? It seems that I won't get what I need.
But... I thank God, it doesn't have to work out that way for me or you.
I don't need neither validation nor recognition from something so circumstantial because as the season changes, so would my mood. I would probably be bi-polar if I depended on those that are fleeting.
No, I need something eternal, something constant, something that is independent of me, so it will never matter if my hair is straight, my face is clear, or my teeth are crooked. No, I don't need something that needs me to be perfect in order to accept me, in order to love me because even on my good days I am far from perfect.
So whenever I do get inexplicably sad I like to think that it's a reminder to spend some time with the One who has always loved me because only after I listen to Praise/Worship music and read the bible do I feel better.
And who wouldn't after reading something like this?
He' always going to love me. And yes, I have friends and family who will too but I can't always get to them when I get down. But God, He's always there to remind me that I matter, that I am of value...
And that means the world to me.
